Out of State

Pictures are mine except otherwise stated.

The word ‘fog’ became known to me when I was seven years old, my mother had used the word in a song she had just learnt and was so eager to teach us – my siblings and I. It was a song that had ‘rain’, ‘plain’, ‘fog’ and ‘Spain’ in it and for many days we sang that song, until the craze of a new song died down or was it that we learnt another one? I think the new song was about birds, birdhouse and had coo-coo in it.

Last week my life felt like a fog.

I was heading out-of-state with a few friends on what was to be our ultimate road trip following graduation. As I placed the large coolers in the boot of the car, I realized that the hands in which I had carried them did not feel like they were mine, I was unsure if it was because they were cold.

Sitting in the back seat of the car, my friends talking about travel and food, it felt like I was drifting into unconsciousness and back to consciousness, and I had to prop myself up and lean on the girl sitting to my right.

It was then I realized I was standing away from my body, I tried to touch myself, I could not understand how it was that I was walking away whilst in a moving car. The girl on the left would tap me and whisper something in my ear, I think it was something about me lost in thought thinking about a man who was my ex, and I would stare at her – but looking I was unsure if it was a look of disgust or a look of confusion.

I am in the car, I can see me there, but it feels like my body and soul are flowing separately – like it’s a dream. 

‘Could it be a dream?’

‘Am I still in a dream?’

‘I wake up and it doesn’t feel real, nothing feels real!’

I am at a long awaited vacation, I should be happy and overjoyed, but it feels like I have lost my ability to express, to feel; like I am a whole different person.

 ‘Doctor! The thing is today, I don’t know if it’s real’

I am back in my body, but I cannot be certain if it is truly so.

‘Help me, can you?’

‘This fog is drowning, should I expect a rain, or is the sun about to rise?’
This post is in support of the World Mental Health Day on October 10th.

Follow @medztots on Twitter for more information on Mental Health.